#6 this is the end ...or is it?

In taking classes sometimes I find myself reading assignments and wondering what is the point? Yet I begin usually about half way through them the underlying message in the lesson.  I have a questioning personality and it is hard for me to fallow blindly.  I am sure this comes from a period in time where when I was growing up I would ask my mother why, and the answer was always, "Because I said so." . This caused great curiosity in my mind.  Was this answer given because as a child I did not have the right to know the answer or was it because there really was not an answer to give?  A justifiable explanation of why I could not do something or even why I had to.  Could I spend the night at a friends? no.... why? Because I said so... I would wonder what was the reasoning for this abrupt decision?  If only the answer could have been; no because we have to go to your grandmothers early tomorrow, or no, because I do not know her parents, that would have been acceptable. I believe in my own mind that it was because the consensus was a child doesn't need to have an explanation from the parent.  My mother was raised in a strict Military family dynamic in the 50's where children are seen and not heard and as much as she swore that things would be different when she had kids most of the upbringing ended up being the same except now it was the 80's and it was me.  To bring back the point at the beginning and my need to question everything and always live by Murphy's law I realize that people always have a reason for their decisions and an understanding that most people in the power position know the best way to take you where they want you to end up.  It seems like it is not a matter of giving up your personal power but having enough faith to fallow.  So in ending this assignment I feel that this was a genuinely cathartic progress an one I will continue so thank you for the assignment and I understand why, because you said so... :)

its all relative

I think that life is measured by many things, the most important thing is where you focus.  Im learning at 43 where the importance is and where my energy should be focused.  I am planning a trip with my mom and youngest daughter this September and the excitement and anticipation is the best part.  We have never done this before and I believe it will be a memory that will last a lifetime.  My mom is world traveled as well is my daughter yet the excitement level for a trip to L.A. is huge and it hit me; it is not not always where you are it is who is there with you.  What a revelation and why the hell has it taken me so long to realize this?  I mean looking back just a month my best days have been spent with my daughter just watching a movie or having a talk on the balcony. It is so simple yet not so easily absorbed.  Everyone should realize how much every moment means, it counts even when you don't think so that moment could be a lifetime memory to someone else.  I also realize how the things I am the most excited about in thinking about that trip is not what would be expected; it is not the rides or the park, its the day we get there early and getting a glass of wine and relaxing by the pool all together, just the three of us. Something that has not been done, something new, something to experience and treasure, time, the only thing that can not be done again.

learning new things

I have realized there is a lot to be said about learning new things.  I have decided to go back to school in my forties and have been scared, no nervous, no, definitely scared, each time I choose a class on whether I can handle it.  My brain seems tired and like someone who has not been physically active for a while and goes back to the gym wakes up in pain the next day I am literally getting headaches.  I took a basic keyboarding class last semester and found it easy to fallow, easy to keep up with and it worked, I no longer two finger type. So needless to say I felt accomplished and successful. Then this semester I took some computer classes feeling that those skills are such a necessity I had no option and I feel like I am no longer just wading in the kiddie pool I have jumped off a cruise ship in hurricane waters. To say that I feel completely over my head would be an understatement and maybe my mistake was taking it in Summer when it moves so fast. I have always said that the biggest rewards take the most work and if this is proved to be true i will feel amazing at the end of this process I just hope I make it.  I know I am not the only one in this position but a decent grade is required more so than just my own need for a sense of accomplishment it is needed for financial aid standards, see I never thought that I would struggle more in a computer class than a Psychology class but this has turned out to be my reality.  So I go to bed with all of this in my head and wake up in the morning fearful of the day ahead in this class, the fear that I will get to the point of hysteria when it all looks like a foreign language and not just every other word.  I do have to thank all of you on the message boards as I see that I am not the only one who gets confused and coming from a place where I could only check my e-mail and still can not seem to completely work my own phone this will either enhance my confidence to the level where at the end of this I will feel like I can do anything or make me look in the mirror and say " What were you thinking?  You are to old for this."  I am still going to work hard and hope for the first option, and I can promise this, I will never give up.

better frame of mind

Today I woke up and felt like life was brighter. The need to smile more and not dread the fact that I have to go to work but in this day and age I have a job to go to is worth being thankful for and definitely not dread.  I think we all go through times where we get stuck on our negative mode  instead of being grateful for what we have.  It can go to extremes and I have learned that in our need for more sometimes we do not stop to smell the roses per-say.  I started thinking about the wealthy and how they can go anywhere they wish and but anything there heart desires yet do they really have people in their lives who love them for who they are or is it for what they have?  I doubt they will ever know for sure.  The level of want is purely based on your circumstance.  The people who say they want for nothing actually do.  They want for that next multi-million dollar contract, or the certainty that the people in their lives are true.  The middle class hope and want for the all of the bills to be met and to have a little left over to take a small family vacation this year.  The working class hope to be able to pay the power bill so when it snows they are not cold over the weekend.  The homeless hope just to eat today and that their blanket doesn't get wet in the rain.  Wants are purely relative to a certain situation ans as I went to bed last night frustrated on my personal situations I realized that I wasn't wondering if the people in my life loved me for me, whether I would be able to pay my power bill,  would I be able to eat or if my blanket would get wet in the rain,  all in all life is good to me, even if I got yelled at by a customer at work;  after all who knows what his wants are.

what a day

I sometimes wonder why people do what they do.  It seems like the world has become a place of selfishness and anger.  I understand that sometimes emotions can grab ahold of us and are projected unfairly against others yet to hurt the ones closest to you seems to be almost accepted.  This is a pattern of behavior that in my opinion should be the most unacceptable.  Im not saying I am not guilty of this acton yet I miss the days when a certain level of common decency should be a normal aspect of behavior and not the exception.  The days of a Norman Rockwell family dynamic is far from reality and Im not sure it ever really was the social norm yet we all should strive for a more likeness of this far fetched reality.  The fact of the matter is we do seem to hurt the ones we love the most and the end result are not just hurt feelings but wounded self confidence and a lack of understanding for anothers core emotion.  We treat strangers and people we fear better than the ones who are there for us on a continuous level.  The main question is why?  Why would we treat someone we might never see again better than the one we call in an emergency for help?  Why do we seem to have more an emotional response when we see a sad movie than if we have just hurt someone in the real world? I feel that this is a queston that will remain unanswered, I guess all we can do is love unconditionally and let those who hurt you deal with there own insecurities and consequences because they will come around.  Next time remember who has been in your corner and give the gratitude that is due.

this could be scary

Going inside the mind and thoughts of anyone can be scary yet here we are.  Having to create a blog for a class and writing about whatever we want; sounds easy, well maybe if your life consists of anything more than dishes and work.  I would love to sit here and be writing about the adventure I had on Friday night but I was in bed by 9:30pm, or the  love at first sight experience I had at a great party on Sat night , but this is not 1983 and on Saturday night I was at my Moms house watching Little House on the Prairie reruns with my 88 year old grandmother who has Dementia and thinks that the Ingall family lives outside our window and she can watch what they are doing every night at 7.  Today she kept telling me to help Charles because the cow in the barn was having difficulty delivering the calf and I was just sitting there.  Unfortunately i couldn't fit inside the t.v. to offer my assistance so I had to act like I was calling Doc Baker to ride over to the Ingalls farm to help.  Now I know none of you guys out there have any idea what I am talking about but odds are your parents do.  This is an example of an exciting weekend for me, and no I'm not kidding.  The funny part is we spend the first half of our life wanting to be older.  When we are 10 we want to be 16 so we can drive, when we are 16 we want to be 18 so we can move out and our parents who we are convinced don't know anything can not tell us what to do anymore.  Once we hit that mile stone and we are living on mac and cheese and Raman noodles ( yes they had those way back when I was 18) we want to be 21 so we can drink and go to clubs then we realize that the only real milestone to look forward to is 25 when are car insurance drops except for maybe 22 when we graduate college and we can move back home so our parents can tell us what to do again.  Before you know it your 40 and wondering why you spent all those years trying to grow up just to wish you had someone who would worry about all of the things your parents did so you don't have to anymore and you wonder why your kids wont listen to you,  and then you remember they are 18 and you don't know anything.